Friday, December 31, 2004

that will be $100

look what i got for christmas:


a closer look, perhaps?


so i'm driving home, back to nebraska, when i enter colorado via interstate 25. the weather is getting pretty bad. snowing, windy, the roads are icing over. i start to go into the mountains; thus, i slow down to a steady speed of 35 mph. i'm actually trying to be cautious. just then there is a gust of wind and snow blows up, i lose visibility for a brief moment and then just as the snow clears i see the tail lights of a truck in front of me. i quickly decide to pull around it, but unbeknownst to me, the road has curved and there infront of me is a guardrail. i try to swear, but skid into it. i try and pull out of the skid, but swing the back end of the car into guardrail. so, i try and pull out of this new spin, which only reverses it, spinning me 360 degrees the opposite direction and off the other side of the road into a ditch filled with 3 feet of snow.

this was the first time i ever had to call 911.

as i sat in my car for the next 45 minutes, waiting for the colorado state patrol to find me, i was surprised to have 8 people stop and offer assistance. who says everyone is out for themselves?

finally, the colorado state patrol gets there. he calls for a wrecker to tow me out. but then before he leaves me there, out in the middle of no where, amongst the rocky mountains, he writes me a speeding ticket, because apparently, it's a colorado state law when it snows that the new interstate speed limit is 30 mph, not 65 mph as posted just ten feet away from my snow covered car.

so, the patrolman leaves and i wait again for another 30 minutes, alone. and what do you know, another 3 people stop to help me. thank you, you strangers you.

the tow truck man appears. he pulls me out, and says, "you see this stuff (pointing all around), that's what we call snow. don't get much of that in california, huh? (laughing) just kidding, man. that will be $100. (puts out hand)"

well, just 2 and half hours later, i'm back on the road. and of course, just 10 miles down the road, the weather clears and for the next 10 hours, it's blue skies all the way back to worms.


i'm not driving anywhere for new years.

Saturday, December 25, 2004

merry christmas, EAT BEEF!

friendly chad fogland here, wishing you and your's a very happy, merry christmas time!

i'm back in nebraska after a long drive from california and a slight mishap in colorado. no worries though, just a bit of a spin out on icey roads after a running into a guardrail. nothing hurt but my pride. well, that and a crunched car. jesssh! (more to come about all that)

but i know i'm back in nebraska everytime i hear an advertisment for a church on one of the three radio stations. or as i entered my grandmother's home, a novelity halloween cat meows and then sings "somebody's watching me". and then of course, right before my hometown exit, out in a vast cornfield i see a holiday message of hope and peace. made out of green and red lights, that glow like the northern lights themselves.
it read:
Merry Christmas, EAT BEEF!

anyway, i'll be back in LA on Wednesday to do a show at the Improv. if any of you are back, i suggest checking it out.


but not to be totally a shameless promotion whore; thus seriously, chad fogland wishes you all a very happy holiday and a very merry christmas, ...EAT BEEF!

foglandly yours,
friendly chad fogland

Saturday, December 18, 2004

for andy

one of my new life missions is to capture and bring to justice those responsible for the horrible murder of Andy the Footless Goose.

he was the first and only ever Mayor of The Heritage Zoo in Grand Island, Nebraska.

i voted for him and meet the bird once. he was one of my childhood heroes. no lie! he was on Johnny Carson and was one of the most popular fowls around. unfortunately, he was brutally murder one day in 1991. his body was found missing it's head and wings, yet his trademark Chuck Taylors were still on. his murder was never solved and the sick mind that did this still runs free.

well, i say it's time to open this cold case file and punish the ones committed this monstrous act!

during my free time, i will not rest in doing what i can to solve this crime and bring light to this cherished creature of my life.

rest well, my friend. your troubled soul shall not walk the earth as a footless ghost for long.

if you have any information; please email me. howlingmad@xrayfogland.com

no more stamps?!

so apparently the Subway fast food place is discontinuing thier "stamp" program because "the stamp program is fraudulence", said Christina Rowland, manager of the Food Court Subway. "many stamps are stolen or copied, while others are sold and bought over eBay. it's estimated that 25 percent of stamp cards are fraudulent," Rowland said.

which sucks, because now what am i supposed to do with this Old Timey Subway Counterfeit Stamp Printing Press i just bought over ebay?

"great seller" my ass!

Thursday, December 16, 2004

like angels ought to smell

am so excited for this movie.

Monday, December 06, 2004

ye ole graffiti

i live in a neighborhood where there is a lot of graffiti. much of which is, as i'm told, gang related.

thing is, i don't understand it. not because i am not hip to it's jive, but because it's incredible illegible or horribly mis-spelled.

now i know that i am no master wordsmith and admittedly a very bad speller, but it seems to me that these spray painted markings are supposed to be very important and hold a great deal of significance. i mean, if one is so passionate to "tag" a billboard, side of a building, or the hood of my car; it would seem that they would want these messages to be able to be read and understood. it's not like they are going to be around when people find them to explain it to them. for instance, what does "6L C7+iLL T68" suppose to mean? that phrase could never even be on a license plate and make sense.

if i had the money, i would round up all these spray can longfellows and put them in a class where they could learn the fundamentals of proper grammar. you know, like 3rd grade. and then , just for my own amusement, i would make them take a class on calligraphy. man, would graffiti be cool then. imagine seeing "Cock Sucker" or "For Ye Good Time, Dial Jenny" or "Thy Hood Belongs To Thy Gang Ava El Centro" in that classic style.

one might overhear, "damn these urban calligraphers, Uhaul trucks don't grow on trees, you know!"

it's just; if you're going to leave your mark, make it comprehensible for crying out loud.

on that note, i will say that i could never be a graffiti entrepreneur. spray cans don't have spell checker.

Saturday, December 04, 2004

the $100 answer

Mike Nickel... is that you?

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

start a wave

writing new jokes. wrting new jokes. writing new jokes.

...ummm. huh.

writing new jokes. writing new jokes. writing ...jokes ...ahhh ...new jokes?

....

poop.

next time i do comedy, somebody come down and yell De-Fence. De-Fence. De-Fence.

merry 24 days til christmas.